I've been meaning to post all week and now I can't remember what about. Except for this gem. We went bowling to celebrate my birthday last Saturday and as we were leaving, we paused in the front by the doors to put on our coats and a skeazy dude walked by and started talking to a security guard. The conversation went a little something like this:
Security guard: "Where you been hiding?"
Skeazy dude: "I been in jail, man."
Security guard: "That's a good place to hide."
I never really thought about it, but, wow. We were so at the bowling alley, as Shannon kept saying. My birthday was ok, not great. Although I did decide not to go to work on my birthday. Instead I just got up really early on Monday morning and went in at 6:30. It was a long day.
I got my hair cut tonight and I think I like it. I guess I will know more tomorrow after I wash and dry it. But what I do know I want to say right now is that in my small group on Thursday the lesson we were on was about fears and what you do when faced with yours. Now, I didn't really say anything of substance, which is not unusual because I am afraid of everything. I am so afraid that if I open my mouth and tell people what I think, rather than things I've learned from books, then they will think I am stupid. I almost always handle my fears by ignoring them or running away. I think I should start having the courage to be myself. I am terrified that people will look at me and listen, and see me for what I really am and despise me. I don't share my opinions on much with many people because I am so afraid of displeasing someone. Shannon started harrassing me the other day because she realized that we've been friends for 12 years and she doesn't even know what my favorite restaurant is. I recently noticed that I alter my speech patterns and even my vocabulary to match those of the people I'm talking to. It must be time to do something different. But maybe I should start small. Like asking for help when I need it, instead of being too ashamed of needing it in the first place to even ask. Or just speaking up once next week in small group... We'll see. I know this might seem inconsequential or ridiculous, but I was listening to this song earlier and the lyrics were something like 'I feel guilty sometimes when I pray, Stealing time from needs that are great.' And I almost always feel that way, but I'm going to try not to. Apparently being old has made me uber introspective. But it has also made me tired after a long week and I have to work all day tomorrow and I think it's going to seem much longer than my real job.
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You know, it sounds like you are anxious in a lot of situations. It seemed like your anxiety got a lot better after you were out of high school. But there is nothing wrong with who you are, and you should have the courage to be yourself. You don't have to share your opinions with everyone, but being able to really talk to some people can be very helpful. Maybe if it's just people you consider "safe"... But even if people despise you... So what? That's their problem, not yours. I always tell Zoe, not everyone is going to like you... and that's OK. I definitely have people that don't like me too much. Just be who you are, and the people that do like you will support you no matter what. That's the awesome thing about friends.
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