True Confessions, Part Deux

I've been struggling with something personal for the past couple weeks and I don't really want to discuss it, but let's just say I need prayers for my state of mind. And no, it's not about what I'm about to bring up. Earlier I was reading an article about lies parents tell their kids, which was entertaining enough, although I've never heard of parents threatening to call the police if their kids won't go to bed. But anyway, I saw a link to this article, about a woman who fears she is passing her eating disorder on to her daughter. You guys, that totally made me cry. I do not have a daughter, obviously, but I had an eating disorder.

I was discussing it with a friend the other day and she says she likes to think of what we did when we were in college as 'competitive starvation' rather than anorexia. Which is kind of funny, but also true. We fed off each other as far as our neuroses about food, as well as our state of mind. I was fairly thin in high school and then in college, I got even thinner. I bought my first two-piece bathing suit when I was 18 and it was a child's size ten (or maybe it was twelve-I am old and forgetful, but either way, that's bad). I lived on pretty much nothing but those popsicles that are just kool-aid in a plastic sleeve that you have to freeze for a summer. It was probably the only time in my life until now that I was not dehydrated.

And in that article they say girls with 'cold' mothers are more likely to have eating disorders. Hello, I got all my 'mom' hugs from other peoples' mothers. I don't actually want to blame this on my mother, not entirely anyway. I was old enough when I started to be in control of my actions and aware of the reasoning behind them. My mother does have a strange preoccupation with weight, though. Not just hers or mine, but pretty much everyone's weight. I don't think I have that. I used to be able to guess people's weight within 5 pounds one way or the other, though. I only ever did that with guys-I'm not that stupid.

I'm not even going to get into how I went from one extreme to the other, but I'm working on that. I just really would never want to pass on my neuroses about my own person to any child I might have. I was talking to someone the other day about it and they were like, well, did you get counseling? Umm...no. I don't think it was ever even discussed with my doctor or parents or anything. It was just something I decided to stop doing, like when I decided to stop taking all the narcotics my neurologist offered. If you think I'm exaggerating or that I wasn't really, trust me, I have some pictures somewhere. I had a friend who was 9 inches taller than me and was double my weight. I bought half my clothes in the children's department (they were cheaper and I really like colors). It was just that it got easier to be that way in college because people weren't always in my face handing me food and asking me if I'd eaten. But that was then, and this is me being smarter. Although, in case you were wondering, if you are already hungry when you eat lunch, a banana and carrots will not suffice. I was running short on food and time yesterday and, dude, was I starving later. Anyway, I don't think I've ever really discussed this, except some with Rachel, so of course I would decide that perfect place to tell people would be the internet. Genius. Anyway, eating disorders are bad and not talking about things that hurt you and what motivated you to do them is also bad. Let's face it, I've done a lot of stupid things, it was just that no one noticed because Dave and Mark were so busy being the squeaky wheels. And I never wanted to talk about them because it's embarrassing. Whatever, I was stupid and got scary thin and now I'm not. I'm trying to be at peace, but it's hard. Salam.