The places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned

So, not too long ago, Shannon planted a bug in my ear about leaving. At first, I was like, eh, not so much. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea, until I got to where I am now, which is ready to leave. Now. We just reupped our lease, so I can't. Also I don't know where I would go or what I would do. But I want to get out. And those of you who know me well, or at least for a long time, know that I will stay in a less than ideal situation (any sort: work, home, people) for eons because, well, probably mostly because I don't think I deserve better, but also because it's easier than changing things, or a bad ___ is better than no ___. Maybe not. Or maybe I decided I'm ready to leave because I can't right now and I'm really just deluding myself. That sounds like something I would do.

Now is definitely a really bad time to be looking for a job of any sort, especially when I have a good one, with good benefits, good people, and bosses who treat us all really well. And I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to go back to school because I hated it, and it's stupid to keep spending money when I don't have an endgame in mind. I talked to some people whose opinions I trust recently, and while most of them were encouraging and whatnot, one of them made me really sad. It was just that I didn't realize what I wanted the answers to be until after they gave me the wrong ones. I don't want someone to tell me to do the safe thing. I've been doing the safe thing all my life! What are my interests? What am I decent at that I could conceivably parlay into a career, or at the very least, some fun supplemental income? Yeah, not much. I want someone to tell me to be happy and do something I love. Or is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

I've been listening to Sara Groves' Conversations CD lately. I started to use part of the lyrics to "Painting Pictures of Egypt" for the title of this post, but I went to check them just to be sure, and discovered the chorus isn't what I thought. I thought the piece I wanted to use was "the future feels so hard, but I don't want to go back." Apparently it is actually "the future feels so hard, I want to go back." I realize my version of it is somewhat contradictory, but I guess I heard it that way because that's how I feel. Also, it still sounds like that's what she's saying to me.