Cry me a river

I think we all know that I'm a crier. I used to cry at the drop of a hat. Then I got medicated, and not so much. Then I unmedicated myself and I was what I think was normal about crying for a while. Now I'm a crier again, even though I am medicated. I don't think my crying has anything to do with depression, because I'm not depressed (I'm only on a tricyclic antidepressant because they help make migraine attacks less frequent and less severe). I think it's about how much I allow myself to care or feel. I watch the people at church go down to the altar and pray every Sunday and I cry, sometimes all the way through the invitation(my dad, or whoever is on sound that day, which is usually my dad, generally doesn't mention it, although he gives me concerned looks once church is over). Because, despite the large size of my church, I almost always know someone who is at the altar. And I know why they are there and it makes me cry. I pray with them from my post behind the camera in the balcony, and I cry. Lately I keep thinking that our pastor is watching me cry. He usually stands right in the middle and he keeps looking up, and I think he is looking at me. I don't think he even knows who I am, so I'm just being weird and paranoid. I don't know why it matters if people see me cry. When I was a sophomore in high school, I don't think there was a single person in any of my classes who didn't see me cry. My family was falling apart, and I felt like the only person who realized that in the big picture, because my parents were focused on the individual things my brothers were doing. And my brothers were both focused on what they were doing, so I didn't think they even realized that the other one was in trouble too. It was bad and I cried a lot. Throughout the day, because I was trying to hold it together at home because I knew my parents thought they already had enough problems. I would cry when I saw Dave in band, or when I didn't see Dave in band because he was skipping school again. Anyway, suffice to say, I have cried in public before(like the only time I ever went down to the altar, to pray for/about Dave that year-I love you Dave and I'm so glad that things worked out eventually.). I cry when other people cry, I cry when I watch the news and terrible things are happening. I try not to watch too much of the news when big things are happening because then I cry too much. I cry when great things happen to other people, because I am happy for them(even fictional people-I cried all the way through the last Harry Potter book every time someone was nice to Harry). I keep trying not to cry right now, because it won't do any good. I had a moment Saturday night and another one last night, but mostly I'm ok. I keep trying to believe Shannon when she says that we're going to find Grace. I know, she's just a cat, but how would you feel if your pet were missing? I'm getting discouraged and overwhelmed and I don't know what else I should be doing. And Rachel, I think Dave left me three comments because he doesn't want to call me because I might start crying. I don't think I will ever forget how horrified he sounded on the phone that day when my tire exploded and he realized I was crying. And I know how he feels, because when other people cry, I'm never sure what to do and I'm all awkward and can't say the right things. I read this article this morning and now I'm all weepy. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all my fears and I cry seemingly out of nowhere like the author. Also, like the author's mom, I call small children and animals 'baby doll' fairly regularly. I have no idea where I picked it up, but I've been doing it for many years. Anyway, I'm glad work is so quiet today, because I keep tearing up, but no one is walking past my office, so it doesn't matter.