I wrote this post last Monday, but failed to finish it. It still holds true.

Church was good last Sunday. I cried, as per usual lately. At the beginning of the sermon, Jason was talking about hope. He said that, by virtue of the fact that we were present, we had hope. Because people who don't have hope don't get out of bed because they can't face the world. And there I was thinking that I didn't have any hope left. Apparently I had enough to get up and shower and go to church. Yeah, I teared up when he said that, in addition to during the singing and then again at the invitational. I haven't been at my church without being on camera or graphics in at least a couple months. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I sat down front near where people I know sit, but I rarely see them and I am so socially awkward that I just sat on the end of a row behind them. Way to join in. It would seem that I like to hide behind tech crew stuff. Which I totally wrote a rant about a couple weeks ago, but I don't think I ever actually posted it. The rant was about the tech crew, not about me hiding behind it. I don't even know why I went to church because I knew I would be alone. I don't know why I wouldn't go with my parents to Louisville Saturday, because I knew I would be home alone until Shannon got back Sunday evening. When you're sad about being alone and, well, a plethora of other reasons, scant few of which I have attempted to articulate here, apparently my cure is to stay home alone for a day and a half. Good thinking, slick. Although I did clean the house something fierce. That was good. And I had lunch with Jennie and Chad after church. It was nice and distracting. I just wish I knew what I should be doing. And I think church keeps making me cry lately because God is trying to tell me something that I don't want to hear. And we all know I deal with things that are unpleasant or scary by ignoring them. I am so mature. Although, I cried like, all the way through the invitational and the closing prayer and final song and when I went to the bathroom to wipe my face, I had no mascara running down my face. It stayed put-so at least I have some awesome mascara.
New this week: So...in the interest of facing some things, I had a discussion with Shannon last night and I feel a little better. No crying at church this Sunday. Although I still don't want to hear what God has been trying tell me, I admitted it to someone and I think I might do something. If I can work up some courage. I am just so afraid of failing that I have always just not even tried. And that's really worked out well for me...